We’re All A Bit Goth In Some Way


We’re All A Bit Goth In Some Way



Everyone gets a bit moody. Maybe it’s because cloudy outside. Maybe it’s because you spilled toothpaste on your shirt, dropped your breakfast toast and then died in a car crash on your way to work. Maybe it’s because you just woke up feeling out of sorts.

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You know who the moodiest people on the planet are, though? That’s right: goths. We’ve all felt a bit goth at some point, haven’t we? Yeah, because get moody. Goths are moody. You get moody. Anyway here’s a list of the different types of goths so you know which one to self-identify as next time you’re walking around with a frown.


By James royce, writer


Cyber goth

Yeah, you actually know how to code and do so most nights. Sure, your dreadlocks effortlessly match the ski goggles you have around your neck. Fine, you have enough cash on hand to afford several different computers. All that yet you’re still one top hat look away from going full Steampunk. And off that virtue alone cyber goths are: the weakest of the goths.

Real goth

You own a pair of blackout curtains and the thought of actual human interaction is terrifying. You blast cigs because dying of lung cancer is the most anti-establishment thing you can do. You’ve cried to at least two songs from The Cure with one of them being “Pictures Of You.” The most pure, powerful form of goth.

Skate goth

You wear Supreme and Palace “ironically” in order to make some sort of anti-capitalist message you just, “Can’t put into words right now, man.” This is all because on you got fired from your job at Zumiez between your sophomore and junior year of high school. You don’t think Gosha Rubchinskiy is problematic because art should be separated from the artist.

Music goth

Seriously once considered getting a Misfits tattoo. Reckon Nick Cave is bigger goth icon than Robert Smith and are very vocal about it when no one and I mean no one has asked. Have either broken or come close to breaking your hand by punching your wall every time you listen to Taking Back Sunday’s first two albums.

Rave goth

This is all because you got into that one Skrillex song back in high school. People who don’t know Aphex Twin isn’t two different people do your head in. You tell everyone the 90s were a better time to be alive even though you were born in 1996.

Art goth

You resent your father for marrying your actual mother rather than an extremely relevant female artist. “Freelancing” is the only job you’ve known. There’s no physical pieces in your collection in general and you’ve never sold sold any actual art yet you’re rich as fuck.  

Fashion goth

Claim you’re from the streets but really you grew up in a good suburb in a solid school district. You laugh at those pseudo-existential memes but feel empty inside because you relate to them more than anything else you have seen. Whenever anyone brings up Four Pins you tell everyone the old site was better and the Twitter account is “trash.”. Blondey McCoy is one of your top Instagram suggestions because you spend so much time looking at his profile. Blondey McCoy has no idea and will never know who you are.

The goths

Eastern Germanic people that ruled an area stretching from the Danube to the Don, and the Baltic Sea to the Black Sea. Played an important role in the fall go the Western Roman Empire. Destroying an entire civilization? Goth as fuck.